


gotta end it tonight to start again (end to start)

by jeolmeoniji



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Introspection, M/M, Post-Break Up, exchange students in korea, i finally wrote johnten but its with this kind of plot lmao, its like a shitons of different emotions in there, sorry Johnny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22232053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeolmeoniji/pseuds/jeolmeoniji
Summary: “How does it feel to see your first love leave so far away from you?”Yuta never let that down; Ten had noticed since some months that teasing Ten with his past relationship with Johnny was one of his favourite pastime.“It's a good thing that I won't have to look at his face ever again,” Ten shrugged.or; a love story, from end to start.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	gotta end it tonight to start again (end to start)

**Author's Note:**

> title from the masterpiece that is "end to start" thank you as always nct127 japanese albums <3
> 
> this ff might be a little confusing at first but then it should be pretty obvious how it works so, enjoy!!
> 
> also i'm really sorry @ johnny

_Serenity_

  
  


Ten thought he really had felt all the emotions being in a relationship could bring to someone.

  
  


And that also meant feeling nothing.

  
  


Ten looked at his phone, his finger hovering on Johnny's latest post on Instagram that had appeared at the top of his app when he had refreshed the page. Johnny was smiling, and his fringe was messy over his forehead – Ten used to love running his fingers through his long-ish hair when they would nap together in Johnny's room. The sun overflowed the picture and Ten could decipher some buildings that were probably Chicago's landscape. Before, Ten had thought that he would visit Chicago one day. Nothing really made him want to fly all the way to the US now, though.

  
  


Looking at Johnny's smile now, Ten didn't remember how he could have butterflies in his stomach. Johnny was handsome. He took really great pictures. He was charming and funny and tall. Yet Ten didn't feel all tingly and with the sudden urge to go see him or take his hand.

  
  


He was completely indifferent now, and it felt good. He felt serene, free.

  
  


The Ten from months before wouldn't believe it, but that time had finally happened, and it was so liberating.

  
  


He wasn't in love with Johnny Seo anymore.

  
  


Johnny could drink all he wanted and go out and make out with every cute guy he met, Ten wouldn't feel his heart break a little bit because he was still longing for him. Their shared memories were still in his mind, but it felt like it was someone else that truly lived these moments.

  
  


Maybe he was a bit embarrassed of what he had said, what he had done, and felt, when they were together, and when he was coping with their break up. Yet he couldn't blame himself, could he? The Ten of that time went through what he had to go through, and this period of his life was over.

  
  


Ten exited the app on his phone, and went back to his revisions without even liking the picture. He promised Kun to go out tonight, and he couldn't wait to meet his other Chinese friends that he had talked about so much. He was so curious about Sicheng.

  
  


That evening, it felt like an end and a beginning all at once.

  
  
  
  


_Pensive_

  
  


“Johnny's flight is a week before yours, right?”

  
  


Ten absentmindedly ate his ice cream under the shadow of the tree behind the dorm. The sun was being a bitch, but summer in Korea was a hot time, and it asked for ice creams as a coping mechanism. He nodded at what Yuta told him. Then, he felt Yuta's strong stare on him and he guessed that a wide smile was spread on his handsome face.

  
  


After all, Yuta never stopped liking teasing him.

  
  


“How does it feel to see your first love leave so far away from you?”

“Bastard,” Ten sighed, trying to kick Yuta's shin but failing, because he almost dropped his ice cream and that was more important to save it at that right moment.

  
  


Yuta never let that down; Ten had noticed since some months that teasing Ten with his past relationship with Johnny was one of his favourite pastime.

  
  


“It's a good thing that I won't have to look at his face ever again,” Ten shrugged.

  
  


Yuta laughed. Some of his strands were stuck to his forehead due to the heat. Yuta was handsome. Ten never told him, but during his first week here, he had a little crush on him. Then Johnny came into the picture. But who was the real loser in the story? Ten still spent time with Yuta, while he tolerated Johnny's presence when they had to hang out together with their whole group.

  
  


When he'd fly back to Thailand, Ten knew he would still talk to Yuta. Not to Johnny.

  
  


He couldn't believe the end was so near, now. All of them, Mark, Renjun, Jaehyun, Yuta, Johnny, him, had spent a whole year as exchange students in Seoul, and it was time for them to go back to their own countries. Ten remembered how mesmerized he'd been, the first months in Seoul. So eager to discover the city, the language, the classes, so eager to make friends with other students and with Koreans as well. Then everything fell in a kind of routine that was so usual it became soothing.

  
  


His flight was in less than ten days. Johnny's was even nearer.

  
  


“It's crazy how time flies, right? In two weeks, I'll be eating takoyaki in my favourite restaurant in Osaka.”

  
  


Ten hummed. The sound of cicadas was loud, yet it didn't annoy him, because he was used to it. Maybe he'd miss it.

  
  


“Who would have thought we would have lived all of this here?” Yuta continued.

  
  


Renjun's first ever hangover, Mark's crush on Donghyuck, going hiking with Jaehyun and being jealous of how he didn't seem tired at all while Ten was drowning in his own sweat, yet the wonderful feeling of seeing Seoul's landscape in front of his eyes made him forget everything. Night market escapades in Dongdaemun with Doyoung and Taeyong, the day trip to Busan to enjoy the beach with everyone – he still had the group picture as his lock screen.

  
  


His first date with Johnny. The grey afternoons spent in his bed when everyone else was going out. The club nights – with that night Johnny kissed him again. How he had been furious. The concerned stare of his friends, after the break up.

  
  


The lunches at the cafeteria, the ceremonial Thursday movie nights in the dorm, the dance competitions.

  
  


“Yeah,” Ten murmured, “who would have thought...”

  
  


The cicada sounds swallowed his thoughts, and a bit of his ice cream melted on the concrete.

  
  


When Johnny left the dorm with his two enormous suitcases, Ten was there to wish him a good journey back home. He wasn't that angry against him anymore. A lot of it was for the game, and because it made Yuta laugh, and because everyone kinda expected him to. But under that, there was this weird tenderness that he felt sometimes, when he remembered their shared memories (the good ones).

  
  


Ten cried when he hugged Johnny for the last time. Truth is, he cried with every single one of his friends leaving. Yet, everyone knew what had happened between Johnny and him, and no one commented when he rubbed his eyes once Johnny finally exited the main hall. No one teased him on how his cheeks were red because he'd been crying.

  
  


That night, Ten stayed up late, pensive. With Johnny leaving, it was another point that they reached. He knew that already before, but Ten was free, could do whatever he wanted with his life. Once he would be back in Thailand, that fact would feel even more true, because leaving Korea was leaving what he had lived there for a year, only keeping the fond memories in his head.

  
  
  
  


_Annoyance_

  
  


Ten's day had been long, and he wanted nothing more than go out and forget it by drinking and most importantly, dancing.

  
  


Taeyong had been up for it right away, as well as Yuta and Jaehyun. Renjun had declined his invitation because he wanted to watch a movie, and Mark stayed behind in the dorm with him.

  
  


The bar was bustling with people and alcohol glasses passed from waiters to patrons. Ten learned to like this mood, letting his useless thoughts dissolve into the noise, and just focus on drinking to feel lighter. But not too light, because he didn't want to deal with a big hangover the next day.

  
  


Jaehyun ordered their second round of beers when Johnny arrived with his usual smirk, as if everything around him was something to laugh of. Seeing him, Ten frowned, and Yuta saw it. His friend shrugged, mouthed _he heard from Taeyong we were going out_ , and Ten shrugged back and decided that he would act as if Johnny wasn't too much there.

  
  


Johnny drank a lot. That was a fact that made something like annoyance bubble in Ten's chest. Johnny was so tall and big that he didn't get light-headed easily, and he used to make fun of Ten with how fast he'd become red and tipsy.

  
  


The teasing was cute, before, when they were together. Now, it just riled Ten up.

  
  


“Are you joining us to the club?” Jaehyun asked Johnny.

“Nah, I'm just here for a few beers. I'll catch the last bus to go back to the dorm when you guys will leave for the club, I guess.”

  
  


Ten sighed internally. He wouldn't have to be careful when all he wanted was to dance his thoughts away. How pleased he was that Johnny wasn't following them should be obvious by his demeanor, because Yuta laughed at him.

  
  


“Clearly you don't want a remake of last time.”

  
  


Ten rolled his eyes and gritted his teeth. He was supposed to have fun tonight, why was he thinking of Johnny and how dumb he was?

  
  


Unfortunately, Johnny caught their conversation, and he laughed too after gulping at his beer. Disgusting. Ten was disgusted.

  
  


“Come on, Ten, it's all in the past now. Don't take it too seriously. It was all just fooling around since the beginning between us anyway.”

  
  


Ten lifted his head so quickly his neck made a snap sound. The shittiness of what his day had been, coupled with Johnny's presence and Johnny's words, with on top of that the alcohol that he had already drunk, all of this made Ten really annoyed. At his side, Taeyong's eyes widened, and went from Ten's little fuming frame to Johnny who didn't seem bothered.

  
  


“What we had was just _fooling around_ , huh?” Ten fumbled.

  
  


It wasn't only annoyance that he felt; it was also sadness, a weird stab in the back that he hadn't seen coming, because even if Johnny had broken up with him, he thought the other was kind enough that he was at least a little bit serious regarding what had happened between them. Ten thought their past relationship deserved a little bit of respect; _he_ deserved respect.

  
  


But Johnny Seo just called their past relationship _just fooling around_ , as if they haven't even been officially together, as if it was just all fun, and Ten's head spinned, suddenly sick, because maybe he'd been the only one investing so much feelings in them – Ten was aware he had been, everyone was, because Johnny never looked so distraught after their break up. A little bit sheepish, a little bit awkward, but it had never been at the level of Ten's emotions.

  
  


Now he was just disgusted at himself that he had liked a man like Johnny.

  
  


Taeyong, feeling Ten's distress (he had always been the one that could read him and comfort him the best), chose to distract him and took his hand so they could go together to the game machines at the back of the bar.

  
  


Johnny left a little bit after, and when Ten came back to their table, he wasn't there anymore. Yuta informed him that Johnny paid one of their rounds of beers, so he had minus one drink to pay by himself. Knowing Johnny, maybe it was some sort of shitty apology.

  
  


That night, in the club, Ten drank another drink that some random guy offered him. And then they made out in the middle of the dance floor for a dozen of minutes, before Ten left him without asking for a name, and joined Taeyong on the other floor to dance surrounded by people he knew and trusted instead.

  
  


In the stream of fuzzy thoughts he had, there was the one about Johnny, and how he couldn't believe it felt like he had never understood him at all.

  
  
  
  


_Anger_

  
  


Ten felt exceptionally _good_. It was Renjun's birthday and they had all chosen to celebrate the birthday boy at a good BBQ place, to then dance the night away in one of their favourite club. Ten had been in a good mood the whole day, and good food coupled with alcohol and Renjun's sweet smile because all his friends from the exchange program were with him made Ten so glad he was in Seoul, doing this year abroad, so glad he had met such precious people.

  
  


It even made him kind of forgive Johnny. He knew there was no point in staying together if one of the two wasn't feeling really invested in the relationship. It hurt but it had been the best to do at that time anyway.

  
  


Johnny didn't miss on Renjun's party like everyone else. He had a lot of beers, just like Ten. And just like Ten, he was dancing like it was his whole purpose, and maybe Ten still liked to watch Johnny dance, because he was tall and handsome and when they danced together, it sent electricity run through his body.

  
  


Ten couldn't really think further, and he joined Johnny in a dance battle, and then they gravitated closer and finally danced close to each other for a few songs. Ten wasn't very much aware of it, drowning himself in the loud music and happy to move because he knew he danced well and it sent dopamine to his brain.

  
  


It felt good to not mope around in his dorm room anymore because of a dumb boy.

  
  


What could be so bad to dance again with his ex?

  
  


Suddenly, Johnny bent his neck, and his lips crashed on Ten's.

  
  


The kiss sobered Ten up right on the spot, and Johnny didn't have time to swipe his tongue on Ten's lips that Ten was already pushing his ex-boyfriend away from him. Disgust coupled with anger bubbled in Ten's stomach and he suddenly felt sick, dizzy. The alcohol swam in his veins. He didn't know if he wanted to scream or to cry.

  
  


The better option he found was to throw a furious glance at Johnny, before storming out of the dance floor. Confused and in need of a friend, when he saw Yuta and Taeyong conversing at the bar he didn't hesitate before gripping Taeyong's arm and made him follow him.

  
  


Once in the toilets, he chose a random cubicle and locked himself in it with Taeyong. The space was a bit cramped and it wasn't the best to be honest, but Ten felt too much at once and he couldn't think that far.

  
  


“Johnny kissed me,” he hiccuped, and Taeyong's eyes widened, finally understanding the situation. “I... Is it my fault? Why did he do that? Is it because of me? After all I was dancing closely with him so–”

“Ten, stop. It's _not_ your fault that Johnny kissed you. The blame is on him. Yes, you danced and you drank a lot but it's not a reason for him to take advantage of your state.”

  
  


Ten wanted to cry. Because he still managed to put the blame on himself, when it was Johnny who kissed him.

  
  


“I was having so much fun. I remembered how it was when we were together, and I was dumb enough to think we could continue to dance together like before it even if...”

  
  


Taeyong put his arms around Ten's waist and soothed his hands against his back in slow motions, with still this worried and tender stare that he seemed to often have for Ten.

  
  


“Ten, don't blame yourself. He really is the bastard in this situation. He _knows_ how it would affect you if he did this kind of thing, and I thought he would be clever enough to not try, but I was wrong apparently.”

  
  


The alcohol in Ten's stomach swirled dangerously, and a headache crawled his way into his head.

  
  


“I am so tired, Yongie,” he whined. He didn't want to think of what had happened anymore. He didn't want to cry over Johnny _again_.

“We're going home, I'll come with you,” Taeyong said with his calming voice that ringed like the one of an angel, between the loud bass of the club music.

  
  


He sent a quick message to their friends, simply saying him and Ten were going back to the dorm. Taeyong didn't wait to get their jackets at the cloakroom, and soon enough they were outside, the cold soothing Ten like Taeyong's arm around his shoulder.

  
  


In the early morning, when he was finally in his bed (Taeyong had put him in his pyj, had removed his make up, given him a glass of water and painkillers), Ten didn't take too long to fall asleep.

  
  


The anger rose again and at full force late in the afternoon, after Ten woke up and nursed his hangover. There was no message of Johnny on his phone, no excuse, no _are you alright_ , and Ten was furious. Johnny never seemed to be serious and think of others' feelings.

  
  


He needed to vent, and maybe ask for advice, and that was how he found himself punching Yuta's pillow in Yuta's room. Yuta was sitting at his desk, fresh from his shower, and was about to work on a paper when Ten had stormed into his dorm room.

  
  


“So that's why you left early with Taeyong?” Yuta asked after Ten told him what had happened at the club the night before.

  
  


Ten nodded with a wince.

  
  


“Well, you kissed back?” Yuta continued, way too casual for Ten's liking.

  
  


Ten straightened up, flaring with anger.

  
  


“Of course not! Why would I have done that?!”

“Because the both of you obviously still have chemistry and you still think of him sometimes?”

  
  


Ten was sick hearing that. It was the truth, but he wanted to be better to himself. Obviously, Johnny never looked for the same thing as him in their relationship, and Ten didn't want to settle for something less than what he deserved: someone serious and who didn't hurt him. Johnny was clearly not that person.

  
  


“Even if some of it is true, I still think I deserve some respect, and I don't want to lower myself to something like that.”

  
  


Yuta didn't comment, but it seemed like he understood Ten's point of view. After some silent, Yuta said:

  
  


“You know, I think Johnny would have kissed anyone. He was pretty smashed. It just happened that it was you who were dancing with him.”

“Ha,” Ten scoffed, knowing that probably Yuta wasn't wrong because he knew Johnny better.

  
  


Anger didn't leave his body. It was so easy for Johnny, right?

  
  


“I think,” Yuta continued, choosing his words, “you should talk to him about that. See what he says on the situation. It would perhaps help you to calm down.”

“Good idea. I'll punch him to death and then if he has enough teeth left I'll hear his poor excuses.”

  
  


Yuta burst into laughters.

  
  


“Tiny but dangerous.”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“Well, I'll see tomorrow if you had killed him or not, I'm supposed to have a class with him.”

“Hm. I'll let you to your homework,” Ten sighed. “Thank you for listening to me, by the way.”

  
  


Yuta's smile was small, yet understanding. He could be infuriating, but Ten knew he could count on him still.

  
  


(The exchange with Johnny had been ridiculous. Ten ran into him when he was on his way to the laundry room. When Ten had asked him _you really have nothing to say about what you did last night?_ , Johnny looked at him confused and said he didn't remember anything.

  
  


“You kissed me. Never do that _ever_ again.”

  
  


Johnny sheepishly scratched his head, and said _sorry?_ as if it was a question, with this smirk that made Ten boil of anger.

  
  


He couldn't believe it was this kind of half-assed excuses he got.

  
  


He spat _fuck you, Johnny Seo_ and then he left, still furious.)

  
  
  
  


_Miserable_

  
  


> I don't know what's worse. Wanting to see you (because I miss you and I miss us and our dynamics and your hugs and those memories and those days that can't repeat themselves); or finally seeing you, and realizing I'm mad at you (because of the exact same reasons).

  
  


-

  
  


> Why do I chose to remember everything so clearly, trying to look for every possible sweet things you did to me, to feel more miserable? I shouldn't, right? Yet here I am.

  
  


-

  
  


> Teasing me was a privilege you had before; now if you do so, it just hurts me more. So please stop, because you already made too many damages, didn't you? Getting back to our friendly dynamic hurts more than I thought.

  
  


-

  
  


> Would you still be able to sleep at night if you truly knew what a mess I am?

  
  


-

  
  


> I'm tired of your attitude.

  
  


-

  
  


> We got all those coincidences that could be the world telling us we're soulmates, but you didn't really care about it and you probably even forgot them.

  
  


-

  
  


> Finding you excuses, and losing a little bit of myself each time (I deserve better). Discovering your flaws, and realizing we're all imperfect (you don't deserve me anymore).

  
  
  
  


_Heartbroken_

  
  


The end of the week was so busy for Ten with the few assignments that he had to hand back before Friday evening, that he wasn't even able to catch Johnny between his classes. The usual lunch break in the cafeteria where he'd join his friends was switched with time spent at the library, because he wanted to have a good grade at his Korean quizz. Even texting Johnny had been slowed down, but even if Ten didn't send him anything, Johnny didn't either.

  
  


On Saturday morning, Ten felt a little bit under the weather, tired by all the work he had put for his classes. He had slept longer than usual, which felt great, but then he noticed that Johnny hadn't send any new message to him. Ten wondered what Johnny was up to, but at the same time didn't want to bother him too much.

  
  


A week ago, Yuta had told him that he was a bit too persistent with his many texts to Johnny. How he knew, Ten figured that it was because Johnny had talked about it with Yuta. But that realization hurt him a little bit, because he should have told him directly if Ten's many texts bothered him that much. They were in a relationship and Ten was willing to listen to Johnny if he was upset about something. Texting wasn't even a big deal.

  
  


Truthfully, Ten wanted nothing more than seeing Johnny and taking a nap in his arms. The week before, they had done that one afternoon after they had come back from the campus together, and it made Ten flush even remembering it now. This kind of sensation was new to him, and he was honestly a bit eager to feel it again. However, he didn't send anything to Johnny.

  
  


While he was watching random videos on Youtube, Ten got a message from Mark, asking him if he wanted to go shopping at this new thrift store he had found. Glad to have a distraction, he accepted right away. They gave each other some time to get ready, and then they met at the entrance to go on their afternoon together.

  
  


Ten loved spending time with Mark, even if it wasn't that often lately because he usually was with Johnny. Mark was sweet and funny, listened to him well and took care of him. Despite his upright appearance, he was actually well aware of what was going on around him – except if it regarded a certain Lee Donghyuck – and always had good words.

  
  


They found themselves at a café with several bag of new clothes at their feet a few hours later.

  
  


“So, how is it going on with Johnny hyung?” Mark asked Ten gently.

  
  


It may seem dumb, but sometimes Ten was still surprised that in fact, he had a boyfriend and that people would ask questions about his relationship. It felt like he had a new status. He just wasn't that used to it yet, but he wouldn't change it for anything.

  
  


“We're good. I actually haven't seen him a lot this week, since I was busy with uni.”

“Maybe you'll get to have a cosy Sunday together then.”

“I hope so. I wonder what we could do.”

“What about watching a series together? So you can have something to look forward to that is specially for your couple.”

“Yo, that's actually a good idea, Mark!”

  
  


The younger didn't reply and simply took a sip of his iced americano with a sweet smile.

  
  


Ten wanted to create a lot of memories with Johnny. He was happy by his side. He liked to do little somethings for Johnny, like buying him the coffee he liked on campus. He liked when they would share ice creams together after lunch and before class. He liked all those little habits that they created and that were theirs only. They had never said to each other _I like you_ , but Ten believed he could feel it in their interactions.

  
  


When he came back from his afternoon with Mark, Ten was so tired that he took a nap, even if it was almost time for dinner.

  
  


When he woke up, drowsy and disoriented, he tried to wake himself up by catching on the unread messages on his phone. The group chat was actually quite active, with everyone who decided to organize dinner at their usual place, followed by a bar. Noticing the time, Ten realized he was already late, but what made him sad and frown was that Johnny had replied to Jaehyun's invitation and was apparently outside with the others, while Ten was lonely in his room with no direct news from his boyfriend since a good two days.

  
  


It didn't feel right to Ten, and he thought that he had to talk about it with Johnny. Their communication wasn't the best yet, but they could work on it. It wasn't that much of a deal.

  
  


Ten decided to send a message to let his friends know he was too tired to join them – the nap maybe hadn't been the best idea, because he felt a bit sick now. He chose to quietly cook his own dinner, promising himself that he'd go knock at Johnny's door the next day so they could talk a bit.

  
  


It was during a new episode of The Untamed that Ten's phone rang with a notification. Absentmindedly, he checked it, but paled when he saw it.

  
  


[ **Johnny:** I want us to talk when I come back, is that ok?]

  
  


Ten couldn't help but suddenly feel anxious. What did Johnny want to talk about? Was it bad? Did Ten do something wrong? Did Johnny think Ten was too clingy? No, he needed to calm down, after all he too wanted to talk to Johnny, maybe it was about the same subject? Johnny knew Ten could get anxious with this kind of message, but it probably wasn't too bad, right?

  
  


With trembling hands, he replied a _of course! :)_ , and tried to calm himself down. He didn't have to be scared. It was only his boyfriend who wanted to talk about something. Maybe he had a long day and wanted to vent a bit and Ten was there to listen and soothe him.

  
  


However, it didn't end up well like he (desperately) thought.

  
  


Johnny ended up being back to the dorm a whole two hours later, while Ten thought he'd be earlier than that. The long time didn't soothe Ten's worries which were accentuated. Moreover, he was tired and wanted to sleep, but he had promised Johnny he'd wait so they could talk.

  
  


When Ten went down the stairs of his dorm to join Johnny who was waiting at the entrance for him, when he saw Johnny's face, Ten understood already, but he tried to convince himself he was wrong.

  
  


They sat under the moon, and Ten tried to smile. But Johnny was already looking for his words and how to explain the situation and Ten could see the path they were walking on, and he couldn't do anything but wait until the words would ring in the night.

  
  


“I think we should stop.”

  
  


Ten was focused on his sweatpants. Oh, he should buy a new one, the hem at the ankle had a hole. His hand automatically went to scratch at it. He didn't want to look at Johnny. He was still blabbering but Ten didn't really hear it. His ears buzzed and his eyes blurred and his heart hurt. It was so difficult to breathe as well.

  
  


When he put his hoodie on his head and hid his face behind his hands to cry, he caught Johnny's sorry stare on him. He hated the fact that he saw pity in his eyes, too. Like Johnny saw him like a child crying and he had no idea how to calm him down. It was like Ten had never been seen as a lover in Johnny's eyes, and it hurt.

  
  


When Ten managed to whisper that he was tired and wanted to go back to his room, Johnny nodded. It wasn't like Ten had a lot to say about the situation, and he didn't go against Johnny's wish because he felt like he had no power nor any right to do so. When he whispered good night, Johnny embraced him out of habit. Ten's tears doubled and he hurt even more than before, because he had waited for a hug from his boyfriend since days, but the one he finally got was one of goodbye, one that he didn't want, one that he wanted to reject, that he hated with his whole being.

  
  


When Ten buried himself in his bed, he hid under his blanket, because at least he could fake the fact that the endless dark void swallowing him came from the night and not from how Johnny just left him.

  
  


So that's what it felt like, to be heartbroken.

  
  
  
  


_Happiness_

  
  


The night wasn't cold enough for Ten to need a jacket, but it was still a bit chilly so that he could use the opportunity to take Johnny's hand to warm himself a bit – not a minute after that anyway, Johnny would put his arm around Ten's waist, as always. Ten noticed such little details about him, and this one he liked the most.

  
  


They barely managed to get the last train, only the two of them, while the other guys stayed the whole night outside to enjoy a club. Ten had said he was tired – which he was – and Johnny had followed him without much words, which Ten was happy about. It meant Johnny cared about him, right? The journey was short but filled with an easy conversation, punctuated by the few drunk office workers' mumbled words and the laughs of high school students who must have stayed until late at their evening school. Ten always liked how Johnny would bend a bit over him to listen carefully to what he was saying, while he was in the last free seat so his shorter legs would suffer less – even if that wasn't by a lot, Johnny liked to pinpoint how small Ten was next to him. Weirdly enough, Ten wouldn't take offense if it came from his boyfriend. He was smitten.

  
  


The realization came when they exited the station at the last stop: there was already no bus anymore for the night, for the remaining part of the journey to the dorm. Ten thought of the forty minutes he'd have to walk. It wasn't that horrible – the neighborhood was calm, and pretty, and filled with a feeling of home and familiarity. But Johnny usually had his bike to go back to the dorm.

  
  


“I didn't think this through,” Ten stuttered, “you have your bike, right?”

“Yeah, and so?” Johnny asked, tilting his head to the left.

“There's no bus left, but I can walk. You can go ahead and ride your bike,” Ten explained.

  
  


He had this nervosity that he wasn't really used to, but that came randomly when he'd talk to Johnny. He thought it came from this desire to only have nice things with his boyfriend. To not seem dumb, or sad, or anything negative. It didn't quite work, because he more often than not ended up saying something quite not logical, and Johnny would silently look at him with scrutinizing eyes, trying to understand fully, and Ten would feel a bit like a child under this stare. He had noticed this pattern. Being in a relationship made him notice a lot, apparently.

  
  


“I won't take my bike, I'll walk with you,” Johnny replied as if it was an evidence.

  
  


And of course it was, but Ten was so focused on the bike that his brain sped up on an imaginary single route, and really there was no reason to, but that was how Ten worked.

  
  


“Oh, okay, hm,” Ten was a bit flustered and he knew he shouldn't, really, because it was normal that Johnny, his own boyfriend, would favor this alternative so they could be together longer. But it still felt surreal to Ten that someone would actually seek his presence to that point. Having this privileged place in someone's life, it was as exhilarating as it was terrifying.

  
  


The walk went so quickly. Ten remembered the first time he took that path with Johnny by his side. At that time, they weren't together yet; Ten was confused and a bit lost, as he often still was, but from what he knew, Johnny apparently already liked him that day. It was funny, to look back on some moments, and put the pieces together, to add a detail you didn't know in the past; it brings a new light on the scene.

  
  


The dorm was now only ten minutes away, and they took the road going through the playground. Surprisingly, Ten really liked playgrounds, even if he was past twenty. He felt at ease, surrounded by the different frames, knowing children years after years came there to play without any dark thoughts about the world they lived in. It was so much more important to swing on the see-saw, right?

  
  


Ten didn't resist longer and sat down on one of them, looking back at Johnny who chuckled at the view.

  
  


“Let's stay a bit?” Ten asked, probably looking even more childish.

  
  


Johnny's bulky and tall frame was a fun view on the swing, a bit awkward with how old he was compared to the usual age of who used the facilities in the playground. Ten smiled widely, more pleased than he thought in that situation. He felt free, calm, he felt like everything clicked and he was happy. He began to swing on the see-saw, and laughed a bit as the speed increased. The adrenaline was still the same, after all those years.

  
  


At some point, he stopped, and looked toward Johnny. Johnny, under the moonlight and the artificial light from a lamppost, was silently looking at him, with a sweet and calm smile, as if he did that his whole life, as if that was the only thing he did since Ten began to swing, looking at his boyfriend falling in childhood again. Suddenly shy, Ten asked “What?”, which cut through the imaginary fog that circled them.

  
  


Johnny smiled more widely and chuckled, “Nothing”.

  
  


This image stayed engraved in Ten's memories. He would do a lot to know exactly what Johnny was thinking at that right moment, looking at him in the middle of the night, after missing the last bus, a bit of the euphory of the several beers they drank still seen in their moves.

  
  


“Let's go?” Ten proposed, standing up, and he walked a bit already toward the path that would lead them to the dorm.

  
  


From behind, he heard Johnny standing up as well, and his steps following him. He wanted some seconds to recover from the sensation that he felt, but then Johnny's steps sped up and suddenly, there were two arms around his shoulder, and Johnny's nose against his neck, his laugh ringing at his ears. Ten couldn't walk anymore or he would fall, and Johnny rocked him in his arms with a show of affection Ten wasn't used to, but that made him feel warm in his belly and on his cheeks, and he wondered if that was that, being in love.

  
  


“Did you really think I would leave you alone to walk back to the dorm, while I'd have my bike?” Johnny asked, his head still on Ten's shoulder.

  
  


Ten looked right before him, with his smaller hands gripping at Johnny's arms against him, and he replied with a whine that he didn't know, that he thought... that it wasn't a big deal after all, and whatever, right?

  
  


Ten's heart was beating so much, but he wouldn't say anything about that to Johnny. He quietly enjoyed this feeling of being the happiest man on earth, this warmness that made him forget how dark it was outside. After Johnny laughed and kissed the top of his head, he finally let him go to put his arm around Ten's waist.

  
  


Their hips touching, they walked the last remaining steps under the moon, to join the dorm.

  
  
  
  


_Exhilarated_

  
  


Yuta looked at Ten with a smirk on his face, with his phone in his hands that just made a notification sound.

  
  


“Oh, Johnny replied! He's really like, always the first one to,” Ten commented happily.

“The first one to reply when it's _you_ who sent something,” Renjun added, rolling his eyes behind his textbook.

“It's just coincidence!”

  
  


Johnny's message consisted of a cheerful _i'm joining! :)_ , with the smiley face being the detail to take into account, because there was really only with Ten that he was this expressive through texts, even through the groupchat all of the exchange students were part of.

  
  


“Can't he like, flirt with you in private?”

“What do you mean flirting,” Ten mumbled, while replying on the groupchat _ok we're in the dorm's gym_.

“Ten,” Renjun said his name dramatically and closed his notebook, which was a strong sign. “You're really not aware of how he behaves with you?”

  
  


Ten looked at the younger guy, confused. Then he looked at Yuta, who was wrigling his eyebrows.

  
  


“You like him a bit too, don't you?”

“I–” Ten sputtered and couldn't say nothing more. He was frowning, his cheeks flushed but at the same time his brain in a turmoil.

  
  


Johnny was nice to him. Always asking if he wanted to join him and the guys to go eat lunch, commenting on his Instagram stories, replying to his message to the group chat, offering help. That was what friends do, right?

  
  


“Or are you already together and you didn't tell me?!”

“What? No!”

“Well, I don't think it'll take long to become true anyway,” Renjun shrugged, and then he opened his notebook again, getting back to his reading. The only reason he was in the gym with them was because there was the AC on, not because he wanted to take part in the table tennis game Ten invited everyone to. It was a lazy and hot Saturday afternoon of September.

  
  


Johnny didn't take much time to arrive after that, with Mark following him. Yuta didn't comment on Johnny's smile when he greeted Ten, but Ten felt that there was a mocking remark at the tip of his tongue.

  
  


They decided to go two against two with the English native speakers together. Through the whole game, the big smiles and laughs that Johnny and Ten exchanged despite being rivals didn't go unnoticed by their friends, who gave them several knowing glances.

  
  


In the exhilaration that had been the first month of getting to know Korea, the campus, the dormitory and the other exchange students that had become his friends, Ten was a bit overwhelmed by so many new emotions. The little ache of leaving his family and his country for so long mingled with the constant state of excitement that he felt from being with everyone. They were together in this year abroad and he couldn't get around the idea that those people that he knew nothing about a year ago were now part of his everyday life.

  
  


The sea of positive emotions, the novelty of his life, made Ten a bit confused sometimes about what he actually really felt. Hence the weird relationship he had with Johnny, that everyone seemed to have noticed except himself.

  
  


After they all came back to their respective room, Ten was still buzzing with how fun the afternoon they spent playing had been. And the comments Yuta and Renjun made about Johnny's flirty attitude with him made him think.

  
  


Did he like Johnny the same way? What would it feel like to become his boyfriend? What about the reaction of their group of friends? Would Johnny and him be able to go back to being friends if they broke up?

  
  


Asking himself a question after another, the idea of making things more clear and official between Johnny and him was appealing, even needed. He knew that he had played kind of oblivious the past few weeks, but a good introspection with himself helped him to define what he really wanted. Apprehension was still there, and because he wanted some advices and reassurance, he texted Yuta.

  
  


His friend didn't wait long to reply and tell him what he needed to hear. Ten was certain that an amused smirk arbored his lips while he was typing, because Yuta seemed to like gossiping and knowing about every little secrets and details of his new friends' lives.

  
  


Yuta's encouragement through texts helped Ten to finally take the lead. Later that night, he sent a message to Johnny so they could talk about what was happening between them and take a step further. He pondered a good five minutes on the smiley to add to his simple question, and felt exhilarated when he pressed the send button.

  
  


It seemed like nothing, but felt like everything, because he was already imagining what it would be if the dynamics between Johnny and him changed and they were officially together. It meant they would hold hands, and kiss, and have a more privileged time together that was crafted into their daily routine so they could see each other and learn more about one another.

  
  


Who would have thought in his first month in Seoul, this would happen?

  
  


When a new notification from Johnny appeared on his phone, Ten knew he'd be flustered for the whole evening.

  
  


[ **Johnny:** let's meet outside to talk face to face properly :)]

  
  
  
  


_Anticipation_

  
  


The dormitory was surrounded by tall trees.

  
  


That was the first detail that Ten really noticed. The touch of green around the rather grey residence buildings soothed his mind a little.

  
  


Nothing around him made really sense to him. Everything was so new and his brain was constantly storing new information, to his room number to the jingle of the convenience store at the end of the road. Stimulation was unending and Ten hadn't slept since a dozen hours at least; a headache was making its way to his brain already, but he still needed to take care of some stuff.

  
  


When all his administration papers for his moving-in were signed and completed, he got his room keys and was finally left alone with his two big suitcases.

  
  


The first thing he did when he got into his impersonal room was to dive into the bed, and cry a little because of everything he has done in such a little time – leaving his parents at the airport in Bangkok, arriving in Seoul, having to find his way through the metro, understanding everything with the little korean he knew, being an adult and taking care of his papers. The overload of responsibilities and the realization that now a new page of his life had begun made him shed tears to soothe his tired and anxious brain.

  
  


The Ten from months before wouldn't believe it, but that time had finally happened.

  
  


He was finally in Korea for an exchange.

  
  


He felt a lot of anticipation for the year to come. He wanted to make it memorable. It was a blank sketchbook and he had to draw in it.

  
  


When he felt a bit more calm, he began to unpack his things so he would feel like he had a better grip on what was happening. Toiletries in the minuscule bathroom, books on his desk, clothes in the closet. When the evening approached, tired and hungry, he chose to call it a day, took a long and warm shower, put on some hoodie and shorts, and quickly ran to the convenience store five minutes away to get a small dinner before a good night of sleep.

  
  


On his way back to the dorm, glasses on the top of his nose, damp hair covered by his hoodie, bags in his hand and under his eyes, he met another exchange student for the first time since he had arrived.

  
  


Their path crossed at the front of Ten's building, and their eyes met. The other automatically smiled – wow, it was a charming smile, Ten thought – and waved at him.

  
  


“Hey! Nice to meet you, I'm Johnny. I arrived here like two days ago. I'm from Chicago. What about you?”

“H-Hey. I'm Ten, I'm from Thailand,” Ten replied, a bit taken aback by the amount of new information from this guy he saw for the first time, but at least glad the conversation was done in English, because that he could manage.

“So cool, I've always wanted to go visit Thailand one day.” Without any transition, which surprised Ten to see the other student so eager, Johnny asked, “oh, are you free tonight? Me and the guys are going to check that noodle place in Hongdae, do you want to join?”

  
  


Ten didn't know who “the guys” were, but it seemed that Johnny already made friends around here. Ten was tempted to join because it was a golden opportunity, but at the same time he was already in his pyjs – Johnny didn't need to know that – and he wanted to sleep so badly.

  
  


“I'm actually pretty tired, so I think I'll pass, but thank you.”

“Aw, too bad. Well, be sure to come with us next time. We'll run into each other again soon anyway, I guess.”

“Yeah, I'm certain of that,” Ten nodded with a smile.

  
  


Johnny looked at him for a few seconds, but since he was tired, Ten didn't notice.

  
  


“I'll be going then, have a good night, Ten!”

“Bye Johnny, enjoy your evening.”

  
  


Ten quickly went back to his room, and while eating his kimbap, he hoped that Johnny's invite would still be true the next time he'd see him. Who knew, maybe Johnny would become a really good friend?

  
  
  


That evening, when Ten went to sleep, it felt like an end and a beginning all at once.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> fun fact the author heavily projected in this ff LOL
> 
> i love knowing your opinions <3
> 
> [my twitter :3](https://twitter.com/_renjunbaobei)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/jeolmeoniji)


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